Privatize the Library

Originally Published in Beaver Magazine Issue #11

I wish they would privatize the library already.

I would pay the entry fee at the door

and walk in wearing my alligator skin boots

and pin straight hair,

moisture leaking from my

lips.

There would be handcuffs for sale

and posters adorning Linda for sale

everything’s

for sale.

The whole ordeal will start because my precious daughter

will do a “what I want to be when I grow up” project.

We will buy stickers and glitter glue for the poster

(her first lesson in advertising)

and what she wants to be when she grows up, of course,

is CEO of the library!

After the presentation,

all the boys will be mean to her

for they all will have a crush on her

every single boy in the class

will have a crush on her,

can you believe it?

Her father and I are so proud!

That’s what boys do when they like you,

you know?

They are mean to you.

They strip you and they squeal like pigs and they

screech like hyenas and they

pull up your skirt to get a peek.

Don’t worry, I’ll teach her that lesson young.

I’ll teach her that when the boys act like wolves

it just means they like her.

Everyone will love her

forever

and she’ll have platinum albums on her walls

and skin-tight latex suits hidden in the back of her closet

and she’ll drive a Tesla

and she’ll walk around with a headset

that is fashioned around her ear

with a microphone that hangs next to her

open mouth.

I can’t wait for her first ayahuasca retreat.

I can’t wait for her first property acquisition in Joshua Tree.

I can’t wait for her first government bail out.

My sweet, sweet Linda!

Promise mommy you’ll only eat one meal a day

and in return, Linda, I promise I’ll part all of my maternal wisdom unto you,

like when you’re jealous of somebody

find a reason why their success is less meaningful than yours.

Project your jealousy like good, sweet girls do.

Make mommy proud.

Privatize the library!